Did I Really Sign Up for This?

Takin' a Vacation from this blog.

2009-05-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

I've got too many blogs right now and much of what I'm doing, you can see on my others. I'm especially excited about my Finding Joy in the Journey through Family Fun blog so be sure to check it out. It pretty much gives a day to day account of my "Stay at Home Mom" life. I'll let ya know when I update this thing, but for now, it's one less blog you have to check. Thanks, Lindsay

This is an amazing feeling.

2009-04-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

So up until yesterday I have been freaking out and feeling so unprepared and frantic and anxious and nervous about this pageant. But the weirdest thing happened yesterday. I woke up and felt completely at peace. All day long I don't think I worried over it once. I have no idea why the sudden change. Even if I tried thinking about it the anxious feeling would not come back. That in and of itself makes me nervous. Even today, I feel completely comfortable and not worried. Maybe I crave the adrenaline and I'm not getting it. I suppose it could mean I finally reached what I've been working for. I'm totally comfortable with me and I just feel inner peace and confidence with who I am. I'm looking forward to this weekend and can't wait to get glammed up. Today I've waxed my eyebrows and am off to get spray tanned...hooray!

pageant update

2009-04-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

So we are a little over a week from the big night and I'm feeling the momentum starting to build. It's exciting. I'm waltzing around the house in stillettos (?) and my brain's spinning from answering questions even in my dreams. I'm not lying. Sometimes my brain will not shut off at night. I am a little perplexed though. You see I'm aiming to be myself during this interview, however when I'm in a stiff suit and I have to sit up really straight and not gesture too much, that just doesn't equal me. I'll keep practicing I guess and fill myself with positive affirmations and pray for the best. I feel pretty good about the on stage walking, however there are 10, yes that's right 10 stairs that I have to navigate TWICE!!! Can we hold on to the rail? People are dropping out all over the place which makes me sad. I can say, if you are coming, it's really going to be a great show. The music is fun and the set will be amazing. Think Beauty and the Beast. I really am getting excited and I'm getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.
I'm really starting to invest my heart into it which is scary, because I just don't want to be disappointed. There are amazing girls that are competing along side me. I figure if you don't see yourself as the winner then you never will be. I'm trying to be brave and start to imagine it, because during this whole process I've stayed away from those thoughts. I am happy with what I've accomplished so far and would be thrilled to be able to continue the journey as Mrs. Utah for another year. Wish me luck and I thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. Only one week to go and I can't wait to see how it all turns out!

Platform relevancy and confirmation.

2009-04-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

I've always believed in my platform and felt that it is so relevant for today, and concidering the fact that by 2010 it is estimated that 20% of Utah's population will be Hispanic I believe it could help this growing population tremedously, however it was the story that broke last week that confirmed it to me. I was so sad to hear of the New York shootings at the immigrant center. While reading the articles on line, they repeatedly said that the man was frustrated with his job loss and his inability to speak English very well. He also felt like others were laughing at his attempts to speak English. I hope that none of us would ever laugh at another for trying. I know that it is so intimidating to speak another language and the fact that others are mocking you would discourage your meager attempts. One paper quoted him as saying, "America sucks." Do you think he came to this country thinking that? I doubt not. But he was met with frustrations and disappointments like most immigrants I would assume. It's not easy to learn a new language and try to succeed in a working environment. This is what my platform is all about. I want to help individuals before they feel all is lost and do something terrible. We can help and support others as they fulfill their American dream by encouraging them to learn English and I would encourage all to be a little more patient and smile when they hear someone trying their best to communicate in our native tongue.

My little cheerleaders!!!

2009-04-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

So the girls have been so much apart of my pageant prep. They get shuttled around and usually end up with a trip to McDonald's everytime we have to venture out to Raychaleene's for alterations, which has been a lot. They come with me to have my shoes fixed, to buy earrings, to a baby sitter so I can get a spray tan, and the list goes on. Gabriela gives me her opinion of all the other ladies and today she noticed how her eyebrows were bigger than the other ladies. I had to laugh a little bit at that point. They let me model my swimsuit for them and Gabriela is always so kind and says, "Mom, you look great," and "Mom, I love your fancy dress...it's beautiful." Too bad she can't come back stage with me. She would boost my self confindence. Everyday she asks me when the pageant is and is so excited she gets to go. She also tells me, which I think is priceless coming from her little four year old voice, "Mami, it's o.k. if you don't win. You just try, try again, and keep getting better." Here they are modeling my pageant heels and others they've seen me wear. Please excuse the underwear.Here's the peanut gallery as I model my swimsuit. I just don't think they are very interested, do you? You work with what you got...right!

A little blogger's remorse.

2009-04-02T12:17:00.001-07:00

O.k. I'm feeling pretty bad about the last post. I was having a bad day, if you couldn't tell. It sounds as if I'm miserable doing this pageant, which is not the case at all. I'm so glad that I'm doing this and it has been the best experience. I would recommend it to anyone who's out to find an avenue for self improvement. I just think I'm feeling the pressure as the event approaches ever so quickly. I'm really excited for the big night and can't wait to see how it all turns out.

The reality of being in a Mrs. Pageant

2009-03-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to fess up I guess in a way. This has felt like the everlasting marathon and I'm at the home stretch with only 3 weeks to go, can you believe it. I've seen what Miguel looks like the last mile of his marathon doing what we call the "grandpa shuffle"and that's how I'm feeling right about now. Exhausted. I'm so stressed and feel like I need to do so much more work and practice so much more, but just can't seem to fit it in. My kids are revolting on me. They look like the nappiest little things when I drag them to the gym each morning, and I do mean every morning for the last month. I'm mentally spent and the trainer ensures I'm physically spent. My husband says we are financially spent, so there is just not a whole lot left at this point. Oh, and for some reason, probably PMS or something, I just want to eat everything in sight. Forget these lousy protein shakes and bring on the chocolate cake. Am I glad I'm doing this...Yes. Have I learned what I was after when I signed up...Definately. Am I ready to move on to something else...You betcha. When I'm lucky enough to have all my kids down for their naps at the same time I'm faced with the decision, do I go take a nap? or do I go practice? I just wonder if the other ladies feel like I do? I think I'm ready to say I'm happy with who I am and the way I look! Take it or leave it.

Go get your tickets!

2009-03-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

That's right ladies and gents, (actually just ladies I suppose). Tickets for the pageant are on sale now at http://coveycenter.org/. It is on April 25th at the Covey Center for the Arts here in Provo. Lucky me! I would love everyone to come out and support me in this adventure. It would mean a lot to me to have my family and friends there. Tickets are $15 for adults and $10 for children. We are having some wonderful guest performers from "So You Think You Can Dance," so you know the entertainment will be great. I'll try not to diappoint, although I cannot guarantee a win. Just be kind if I'm not standing at the end wearing a crown on my head. I can't believe it's only six weeks away. Yikes! Oh, and get your tickets soon, because with 25 contestants they think it will sell out. Seats are not assigned so get there early to find a good one. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you who have said such kind and positive things and for all your help and advice. You've made this experience worth it. One more thing, the contestants are now up on the website, so you can go check it out at www.mrsutahus.com

The girls have left on vacation.

2009-03-10T16:31:00.001-07:00

If you are a man about to read this post, you might want to go elsewhere. This is about the reality of having children and getting older. Can I just say that my boobs have done a disappearing act on me. I'm actually quite bothered by it. You see, I used to have a pretty full bust. Not large by any means, but full none the less. Now at age 28, having nursed two kids and dropped a ton of weight in the last year, I'm sad to report that there is nothing left. It's like they finished their job and left for vacation, but will dutifully return if I decide to have another child. This pageant makes you keanly aware of your body and I'm a little upset that the girls have left, especially when I need them the most.
I was at the gym the other day and was wearing my sports bra and glanced at the mirror and was horrified at the fact that I had not chest at all. Is there a Victoria Secret push up extra padded sports bra? I need that. Everyone tells me that for the pageant you use duct tape to tape them up, but what if you've got nothing to tape. Do you see my problem? Oh well, I guess it's wishfull thinking. I never in my life ever concidered implants, and don't worry I never will do it, but I now understand what some women were thinking. Yikes!!! The joys of womanhood.

Feeling like a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader (minus the booty shorts)!

2009-02-21T08:47:00.000-08:00

Last night was our photo night for the pageant. It was great and a lot of fun. There are 26 contestants, so it was interesting to watch them try to configure us all into one photo. They even had the fans blowing on us. After group shots I had my headshots done. It's a fun experience and not something I would otherwise have the opportunity to do. I'm excited to see how everything turned out. I really got to meet and talk to a lot of the women and I think they are just great. It seems like everyone is just as intimidated as I am in being around so many great women. Oh and I shocked the photographer with my age and the fact that I have three kids...again. Anyway here are two shots I got last night of me with my fellow pageant buddies. Sasha, Natalie, and I

Me, Tiffany, Emily, and Camille

(Oh and by the way, I did wear my first pair of skinny jeans and check out those shoes!)

Wanted: Someone to give me some fashion advice!

2009-02-11T07:32:00.001-08:00

It's quite pathetic actually. I went shopping yesterday to find something to wear for the pageant photos that are in a week. I knew exactly what shirt I wanted, but that is where it ended. We need jeans you see, and since all the jeans I own make me look like I have no rear end or a saggy one, it would only seem necessary that I purchase some. I keep hearing about skinny jeans, actually I've been hearing about them for a while now, and I have never put my legs through a pair. I thought, what the heck, and asked the gal where I would find some in the store. I was so embarrased to admit I was that behind on fashion. Then I check out the shoes. I see folks walking around with those skinny jeans and pumps which is so foreign a concept to me. I also see people in shoes that do not match their outfits and since when do people wear hot pink or purple high heeled shoes? I know you are laughing at my ignorance. Anyways, I grab a couple of funky shoes some tiny jeans and head for the dressing room laughing already at the thought of what I'm going to look like. Let me tell you, I felt like an idiot. I happened to walk out of the dressing room to look at a better mirror and the door shut behind me and locked. I was horrified at the thought of having to walk out of the dressing room in these pants that I look like I've been poured into. I had to go get the girl to unlock it and I ask her "are you supposed to look like you've been poured into these things?" She's like,"they look great on you...I can't wear them, but you pull them off." Lady...ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I ended up buying everything and bringing it home so my dear hubbie could help me out. He just laughs and says he knows nothing about fashion. I sure wish I could go shopping with someone who knows what's up as far as fashion goes. I think I'm going to end up sticking to what I know, so I don't come off as self concious. I'm a classic girl. I like the mature sophisticated look, that is when I'm not in my jeans, you know the normal flare kind, and my sweaters. If you've got any advice and want to go shopping or you just want to come along and laugh at me, you just let me know!

Please come and support me during a wonderful evening out with your spouse.

2009-01-31T16:25:00.001-08:00

You can purchase tickets through the Mrs. Utah website at www.mrsutahus.com. I would love to be surrounded by friends and family that night. Let me know if you would like to attend or if you would like more information.

What I look like in my dreams!

2009-01-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

This is how I look in my dreams!

We'll see what that tummy looks like after 3 kids.

I've got to give the girl credit though, she's got it going on.

Just in case you were wondering.

2009-01-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

So many of you might be wondering how the whole pageant prep is coming along. I don't really mention it to people unless they ask. All I can say is, it's coming. I've got a dress, which I'm in love with, that I picked up at a boutique in Atlanta. The good news is that I'm still just as in love with it today as I was the first day I brought it home. You see it's the second one I purchased. I didn't have those same warm fuzzies about the first one. It needs some serious alterations to fit this short body, but I'm sure that can be arranged. Shoes? I've got one pair. I call them the hooker shoes. They must have at least a 5 inch heel on them. My platform is definitely improving and focusing. I'm getting a better vision of what I want to accomplish with it. Swimsuit. Still not looking forward to that one. Now they've thrown me for a loop. You see they say you can choose black or white for your swimsuit. I think this is a psychological decision. Do they want to see who the brave ones are that will wear white? I mean I'm brave, but I think the black will hide my good ole c'section incision line. I hate that thing with a passion. I've haven't made up my mind on this one. I still need a good interview outfit, earrings, nude shoes, and a cocktail dress for the Gala. Oh, the sponsorships are still my biggest hurdle. I'm hoping to jump over it soon. Everything is coming along and I'm getting excited about it.

I may have gained weight, but boy was it good!

2009-01-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

O.k. Here's a little word of advice for my fellow pageant pals. Don't go to the South during pageant season if you are at all scared of gaining weight. My family fed me like a horse. The problem was...I let them and it was so good! Now I know why folks are heavy down there. There is just too much good food. Let me just recap a little of my menu. Cracker Barrel fried shrimp, green beans, mashed potatoes, hashbrown casserole, biscuits, cornbread. Buttered biscuits and jam with bacon for breakfast. Jim and Nick's barbeque sandwich, cheddar cornbread muffins, baked beans for lunch. Let's see what else, hmmmm. Oh yeah, country fried steak with mashed potatoes, green beans and onion rings. I'm tellin ya folks. I think I gained five pounds in five days. I figured it's all right, because I won't be able to eat like that for a year or so and I'll get back into my exercise routine (crossing my fingers) soon. When I look in the mirror I just don't feel the same. I guess it's a good thing I live all the way out west to get me away from the table. Hopefully I haven't scared you and don't scoff at lack of self control, because I know you secretly wish it was you!

Put your shoulder to the wheel.

2008-12-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I think I'm going to keep going. I really do want this experience. Will I win?...probably not. But I'm o.k. with that. If that's what I was doing it for than it wouldn't be worth the investment, but I think the journey has taken me so far, and is shaping my life already, that I want to see what else I can gain from it. Maybe my little job will have to pay for it, or who knows, maybe I will find the sponsorships. I think it's good to be realistic about the time and energy I can put into this. Can I change the world right now. No, but I can make a small difference perhaps. Hopefully the judges will realize that and not expect too much. If they do, then I'm not the girl to win. I'll give it my all, but if it is not enough, then that's o.k. I'll hopefully get what I need to out of the experience and go home a happier woman.

Ahhhh, I don't know what to do!

2008-12-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

So about a week or so ago, I decided to let the pageant thing go. It sounds really fun, but it is becoming such a stress. Finding the time and support to work on the platform has been impossible. Finding the money...are you kidding me. I feel like how can I ask businesses to donate money when economic times are so bad. It feels like pulling teeth. If I was rich and could cover the cost myself ,then sure, I'm all about doing it, but that's just not the case. I was, and am, really excited about getting to know these girls. I'm prepared to let it go, but in the back of my mind, there is a part of me that still wants to see it through. So many people know I am doing this and I don't want to be a quiter. I just don't know what to do???? Plus, I've already invested a lot in a gown. I'm really struggling, can you tell.

Dream on...

2008-12-07T05:01:00.001-08:00

So I woke up this morning after having this crazy dream about the pageant. It was so ridiculous that I had to jump up and write it down before I forgot it. It was pageant day and all the ladies showed up with their outfits in hand. As we are signing in, I notice they are just starting to learn the choreography in some amphitheater. I'm starting to panic because I think I'm missing it and I knew we only had a small window of time before the pageant started. As I run down there I notice who's teaching the choreography. It's that good looking kid from High School Musical, Zack Heffron. Apparently he's trying to teach a cha cha and no one was getting it. I enthusiastically informed him that I knew how and he takes my hand and brings me to the front and proceeds to dance with me. (Of course in your dreams you are way better than you naturally are, so we looked and felt great dancing together) Then he puts on some Rhumba music, the dance of love, and forgets about teaching everyone else and continues to dance with me all romantic like. (Apparently he and I both forgot it was a MRS. pageant. I am so laughing my head off at the thought of this right now as I'm writing.) I asked if we were doing a Rhumba in the pageant and he says he and I were. I thought that's not going to fly real well with the other ladies.
Of course all good things must come to an end, right. I often have dreams about when I used to dance and they always create panic because I'm not ready. Either I don't have a costume, shoes, or I don't know the routine. Something. Well this dream is no exception. I showed up thinking there was going to be someone to do our hair and makeup. My hair was in a pony tail and the next thing I know the pageant is starting. I'm sitting off stage and I see the first contestant coming on. I become frantic trying to call my mother to bring my makeup bag in a hurry, but my phone runs out of batteries. Everyone looked gorgeous of course and I was ready to bawl my eyes out. I hadn't prepared so hard for so long to go on stage looking like a total mess. I guess all of the anxiety is what woke me up.
I'm pretty sure the hot dance choreographer is not going to happen and lets pray the makeup and hair fiasco doesn't happen come April. Oh, the things the mind will create.

Remember...I was an art major!

2008-11-18T14:11:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I got enough nerve to start calling businesses about possible sponsorships. I made a list of businesses that I thought might have an interest, got the phone book out, and away I went. It's amazing how the person who makes the decisions is never in. I did get someone who told me to come by in the afternoon. That was at least promising. Once there, she informed me that business is slow and they can't afford to do any advertising for themselves. So, I don't really think that one's goin' to work out. Then I thought, well I'm already dressed up...I might as well hit the streets of Provo. After four or five businesses and one man giving me a really crusty look and making me feel uncomfortable, I went home. When I got home, I kicked off the heels put on the tennis shoes, which made me feel much better, and was ready to call it quits. I was not made for marketing or advertising. I don't have a thick skin and being told "no" is a little tough. If I am able to raise this money it will be a miracle and a huge success for me. Remember... I was an art major not a business major.

Going to the Miss. Utah pageant

2008-11-16T20:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I went with some gals that are involved with the Mrs. Utah pageant to go see the Miss. Utah Pageant. If these girls win they go on the Donald Trumps pageant on T.V. I think it made me more nervous. I not so sure if I can strut my stuff in a swim suit. I would just like to put a disclaimer on my back that reads, "Had 3 c-sections...have a heart." The ladies are nice, but can you say, "one of these things is not like the others." I was wearing my highest heels, but it doesn't count when all the other women wear theirs too. Oh well, I'm just glad they don't line us up in a row side by side like they did in this pageant. I realized I better get my tail on a serious workout regiment between now and April, because the bright lights don't do ya any favors and we are wearing white swimsuits. I'm biting my bottom lip just thinking about it. Just like my blog title reads...did I really sign up for this? From left to right: me of course, Emily Nelson (current Mrs. Utah), Alicia Warnock (former Mrs. Utah and the pageant director), Natalie Murray, Heidi Murray, and Karen Reynolds. All really nice ladies. I can easily see how you create a bond with these ladies, because only they will know what it's like to get on a stage in front of 700 people in a swimsuit. If that wont bond ya, I don't know what will!

Getting a Platform overhaul.

2008-11-13T14:32:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, we had our Mrs. Utah pageant orientation. It was nice to meet some of the women I've been corresponding with over the last couple of months and to see what kind of women would be doing the pageant. I was pleasantly surprised. I think I'm going to make some great friends out of this experience. Is it a little scary...most definitely. Is it intimidating...that's for sure. Will it be worth it...You betcha ya. My dear friend Amy is such a champ. She went with me. She is my adopted sister of sorts. She steps in for me when I need her because my family is on the other side of the country. On our way home, we were discussing my platform and I realized it needed some improvement. So here's my new and improved platform:

"Empowering Individuals through the Gift of English"

I am hoping to help create awareness in the Hispanic community of the opportunities available to them to learn English. After talking with many Hispanic members of our community, I found that the most difficult part of moving to the United States, is the language barrier. The children usually end up in ESL programs, but the parents tend to struggle. There is a lack of parental involvement in the school system by these adults, because they can't communicate with their children's teachers and they have trouble assisting their children in their homework. As a result these students will continue to struggle.
Members of this community also have a hard time receiving the medical care they need, because they cannot properly express their needs to their health care providers. They're job opportunities are limited and the American dream is harder to reach.
I hope to be able to give these people a voice and to help them gain confidence by helping them get the education they need in order to speak the language. How am I going to do this you might ask? Well I'm working on that part. There is a pilot program with the LDS Church that I'm involved in called the Daily Dose. It is a free English class offered 3 days a week at various chapels throughout the state of Utah. We teach basic and intermediate lessons that are applicable in their everyday lives. This week I taught a lesson on "Meeting Your Child's Teacher," and next week is on "Opening a Checking Account." You get the idea. I hope to create awareness and get as many people to these classes as possible. There is also a government funded program in Arizona that I would like to have implemented in our schools in Utah. It is called Sed de Saber, or Thirst for Knowledge. The state has provided Leapfrog Learning Systems that teach English to various schools that are then lent out to the parents of students at the school. They see a 33% increase in their speaking skills. It's at their own pace. Once they complete the course they are then offered a more formal type class to continue their learning.
Do I really know how to go about this. Not really, but isn't this whole process a journey. How empowering it will feel if I truly can make a difference for these people. I enjoy watching them learn in my own class and the friendships you make are priceless.

I know this is long, but if you made it this far, please leave me comments on any questions you might have. This would greatly help me in my preparation.

My platform for the pageant.

2008-09-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

My platform for the Mrs. Utah United States pageant is CREATING COMPASSION THROUGH CULTURAL EDUCATION. I feel that in today's society it is crucial for people of all ages, but especially the youth, to gain a greater understanding of those around them who may seem different than themselves, either ethnically or religiously. The more we know about others and the culture and traditions that drive them, the more our hearts can be softened and greater compassion follows. Apparently 1/3 of all hate crimes are committed by children under the age of 18. It's easy to hate those you know nothing about, but through education we learn that we are all more alike than we think and we recognize the humanity of others. Children especially need this type of education while they are developing their core beliefs. Those beliefs will be carried throughout their life and will be passed down to next generation. I have seen this personally by growing up in a small town community in Georgia. I have witnessed racism much on my life and just doesn't sit well with me. I feel like it's time to make a change and that is what I'm out to promote.
You might ask how I intend on doing this. I'm developing a program, keeping in mind that it's in its infancy, that could be implemented into the school programs. I'm hoping one school district at a time. It should be both fun and educational. It goes something like this. I would establish an International Week at school that would serve as a jump start to later become a multi-cultural club. During the week, we would choose a different part of the world to study each day. Activities and experiences would be created around the theme including crafts, songs, food experiments, guest speakers, storytelling and such, and could be tailored to the particular age groups.
At the end of the week we would have a morning assembly that focuses on how we are all alike and how we can celebrate the differences we do have. It could include a guest speaker and a cultural performing group. At lunch we would have what is called "Mix It Up At Lunch," a program I found online. See www.tolerance.org/teens/about.jsp This would encourage the youth to meet and sit with others who seem different themselves. We would encourage the teachers to participate and facilitate the discussions. These events would be followed up by writing assignments and discussions focusing on their experiences and what they learned.
The hope is to create an interest to be carried over into a multi-cultural club at the school. The objective would be to teach and educate and to get the kids involved in the community. They could also work on humanitarian projects that would benefit the people they are learning about.
I've seen the benefit of learning about others in my own life and feel that I've been personally enriched. I have greater love for those around me and feel as though the world is not so big as I used to think. I truly believe that we are all a lot more alike than we think and hopefully I can educate others and help them realize that as well.

I appreciate you reading this and would love your feedback. Tell me any thoughts or concerns you might have. Would you like for your own children to participate in something like this or are there changes you would make or things you would add? Also ask me any questions you may have as well. Thanks and I look forward to the feedback.

For the love of peaches.

2008-09-19T21:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went and served at the cannery canning peaches. I have so much appreciation for factory workers now. I only did it for 2 hours and my back was killing me. I had to inspect the peaches and remove the pits and squishy parts. So fun let me tell ya. I never knew every peach that is put in my mouth was touched by someone else. I can feel the love as I taste the sweet juicyness(?). It was interesting too because we ate a can of our peaches for dinner before I left the house. I now appreciate them so much more. While I was working my thoughts were about migrant workers and all of the people who work in factories doing this kind of work. You hear so much discrimination and everyone's ready to load them up on buses and ship them out of here. I say unless people are willing to step in and do their jobs, leave those people alone. At least they are doing an honest days work and not standing on the corner asking you for money. All I know is that I like to eat my peaches, and other canned goods, and I'm glad there are people out there willing to do the work. Hats off to you guys.

I'm going to be in a beauty pageant!

2008-09-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

Yikes, I can't believe I'm saying it out loud or putting it out there like this. Maybe it's my idea of committing to it. I'm going to enter the Mrs. Utah United States pageant. I figure I've given the last 4 years of my life to being pregnant, having c-sections, nursing and changing diapers. It's time I do something for myself; get me thinking outside of the box. The pageant consists of interviews, swimsuit (Yikes), evening gown, and onstage interviews. I've got to come up with a platform, which I'm pretty sure I know what I'm going to choose. It's a way to invest in myself and I'm excited about the challenge and to see what my true potential is. The big hurdle is coming up with the $1,000 entry fee. I'm looking for sponsors to help me, so if you know anyone with buisnesses who would be interested in helping me by placing an add in the program, please let me know. I could use everyone's support.

I'll be writing about this journey for the next couple of months so stay tuned.

Today's adventure: I went evening gown shopping and I found a dress at Alysse's bridal. I wanted to wear something modest and I found a dress that I really like. Little Gabriela went with me and was very encouraging. She was sad that Mami didn't want to try on the great big hot pink dresses though. She was my little helper and would stand on the chair and zip up my dresses. How touching. She got her turn when we went to the Disney store and she tried on princess dresses. This evening I went back and took my mother and father in law to comfirm my decision on the dress. They were wonderful companions and it's amazing how much I value their opinions.

I got beat up by a pastry!

2008-09-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

Man, who knew a cinnamon roll could pack such a punch. Last night I was having a late night snack with Miguel while watching Palin give her speech when all of a sudden I had to pull away from the table. My stomach starched wrenching and the next thing I knew the upper pallet of my mouth and throat began to swell. I could no longer breath out of my nose and my eyes almost swelled shut. I looked down at my legs, and then noticed on my stomach, that it looked like I had been attacked my a swarm of mosquitos. Needless to say, I was freaking out. I started wheezing and thought I was about to take a trip to the hospital. Miguel took a picture of my face. I looked like something you would see on the news with the heading " battered woman." Sorry, I would post it, but if I get picked to run as Vice President, I don't want that showing up on the front page. This morning my eyes are still swollen and it looks like botex gone wrong. I don't think I'll be going anywhere today. You would think Egore had gotten loose. Good thing I can laugh at myself. Anyways, I guess that's one way to stay away from sweets. I don't even want to look at another baked good for a while.

Send me to the MAD house!

2008-09-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

I tell you what. I'm about to lose it. Sophia and Julianne are in the dog house. Between the two of them there is constantly someone screaming in my ear all day long. By the end of the night, I'm ready to call the adoption agency. I'm tired of guessing what's wrong with them. Julianne has been keeping me up all night and she's not nursing very well during the day. I know she's hungry, but I give her plenty of opportunities to get her caloric intake during the day. It seems like she cries no matter what I do, so why do anything? I wish I could just force feed her the cereal and formula, but no, she screams about those too. You are probably thinking something's wrong with her, but I think it's a big dose of attitude.
Sophia justs makes me crazy. She needs so much attention and supervision. I think she gets hurt every 10 seconds. Fights with Gabriela every 5. Wants to tell me, actually scream at me, every 2. You get the idea. I wish she was like a car. You know when the check engine light comes on, you take it too the dealership, they hook it up to a machine, and it tells you what the problem is. Why can't Sophia come with an interpreter? I don't know if her bad attitude is because she's tired or is she teething? I DON'T KNOW.
Tonight, I put Julianne in the bouncer and was trying to feed her cereal while she's screaming and moving her head the whole time. I finally put the bowl down, sat there with my head in my hands and listened to her scream as loud as she could. I just wanted to lay my head down and cry. Her screams make me nausiated. What really ticked me off was when I picked her up, she shut up immediately. Do all Mom's want to cry? I bet they do.
Oh and to top it all off. We've had the cold going around our house for the past week. For 4 days, I felt like I was dying and there is no one to help me. Miguel has to work and so I loath him all day while I have to tend to my tormentors. When he's sick it seems like he just goes and lays down; takes the day off. Me, oh no, I have to keep on plowing. No family to help, no one to help with the house, just me. Luckily I'm feeling better physically, emotionally I'm not so sure. It must be the lack of sleep and alone time. Like I said before, I'm pretty close to admitting myself to the mental hospital.

I just love them...individually!

2008-08-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

My girls are absolutely adorable as long as they are seperated. Gabriela went to her cousins today, so it was me, Sophia, and Julianne today. During the morning G and S were at each others throats. They will fight about everything. Once Gabriela left, Sophia turned into an angel. She's happy as pie by herself. As soon as Gabriela came home, they were at it again. Honestly girls! I also wonder about communication. I've got one girl who talks back and expresses herself all the time (she generally sounds like she's 16) and then the other two who can't talk, they just scream. I wish they could only express sweet kind words to me and to each other. Sign language is good too.
I have to write about my evening. It can get so chaotic. Miguel was gone on a buisness appt. and I was left to man the kids. First Gabriela pees her pants for the second time today. I was so mad, to say the least. Luckily it was outside so I didn't have to wipe it up. While I was trying to get G and S ready for bed Julianne is screaming bloody murder. Once I finally get them to bed I go to give J a bath. While bathing her, her bathtub collapses in the sink (girl, you better lose some weight) and she starts screaming again. So now I'm holding it up with my left, and trying to wash her and keep her head out of the water with my right. Are you gettin the picture. Then to add insult to injury I tried to lower the water pressure and when I did the water turned cold. Now she was so mad. I felt so bad and finally let the tub fall into the sink so she was all ackward while I rinsed her off. After the bath I walked by the girls room and could hear someone jostling the doorknob. That was weird. When I opened the door, there stood Sophia in the floor. What! I guessed she'd finally figured out how to crawl out of her crib. Plus she was so wired and bouncing off the walls, I thought this was going to be a long battle. After a couple of threats, they finally went to sleep and here I sit, enjoying some final peace and quiet. Whewww, that was long. Well at any rate, I survived it and once more proved to myself that I can do it.

What's goin' on?

2008-08-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

As of late, meaning the last week or so, I cannot sleep. I stay in this middle zone during the night where I'm not fully awake, yet I'm not passed out either. I think I dream really vivid dreams all night long so when I wake up I feel like I never went to bed. My sweet little Julianne has relapsed and is waking up somewhere between 3 and 5 every night and I have to get up to feed her. I feel like a zombie during the day. I was watching Oprah the other day and good ole Dr. Oz was on telling us the keys to staying young. One of those was to get 8 hours of sleep. At the rate I'm going I'm probably 60 already. At least I feel that way most of the time. Plus, I don't know how mothers nurse there babies to the age of 1. I feel like it depletes me of everything I have. I nursed Sophia for 5 months, that's the longest I've gone and poor Julianne, I don't know, I'm loosing my patience quickly so we'll see how it goes. I know it's good for them, but should I waste away as a result. Talk about sacrificing for your kids. I feel frail and weak and everything else in between. My hairs starting to fall out from the pregnancy. Well at any rate, I'm alive and doing o.k. on most accounts, so I should be grateful.

It Hurts even though it's a Good thing.

2008-07-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just hate the fact that your husband has to go to work. I mean you know he has too and it's a good thing, because otherwise you wouldn't eat or be able to do anything. There is just this sad resentful emotion that comes up in your chest like you are being left behind. Well the only show that i'm really into this summer is So You Think You Can Dance. There was a routine that emphasized the very emotion that I feel. It portrays it so much better than I could ever say with words. Take a look. It's very well done. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC4OtJgNdrY

Feeling guilty right out of the gate

2008-07-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

This morning Julianne woke up at 6:00 a.m. and I got up to feed her. I usually just sit on the couch, mostly asleep, and feed. I tried to make a commitment last week to not to go back to bed after feeding her and just stay up and exercise or read my scriptures, since I don't get any personal time during the day. This was actually Miguel's idea. I would really prefer to go back to bed, but I know that I will never get to the other things once the girls get up. Anyways, I had just sat down to feed Julianne and I hear Gabriela's door open. You know there are some sounds in life that bring dread and annoyance. Well the sound of her door opening is one of those for me, because I know that when the door opens whoever comes out is headed for me. She comes in and wedges herself between me and the end of the couch which is about 6 inches and tells me she can't see. I just have my head back and my eyes closed trying to ignore her and she proceeds to flip the lamp on directly above my head. O.k. now I'm really annoyed. It's 6:15 after all, go back to bed. I quickly snap and turn the light off and she starts crying about how she can't see and I can see that she came out of her room with a handful of toys expecting me to play. I told her I was tired. She then tells me the stinger. "I never get to play with Mami," all the while crying. An arrow straight to the heart. I'm always putting off playing with her. I personally don't remember adults sitting in the floor with me and playing Barbies or anything else. Pretend play exhausts me, especially when she hands me a piece of coral reef and wants to pretend with it. Maybe I've just lost my imagination. I feel horrible, because I know that that is what she wants most from me...to just sit and the floor and play with princesses or some other little inanimate object. What a great way to start the day.